Dear Matisse, Phoenix and Iggy,
I woke up one morning in total turmoil. My heart felt as if it was all twisted inside. My soul felt so incredibly heavy and behind my eyes were tears just ready to be shed. I had spent over a decade wishing that some things in a significant relationship would change and I finally realized that no matter how much I tried to avoid it, the reality was that some relationships were never meant to change because the people within them could not change. Once I came to this revelation, I understood that any real hope of change between anyone can only occur when people are prepared to fearlessly look at their self and bravely except what it really is that hinders the transformation: the ego and the expectation.
As humans, we all develop a sense of values through which we will eventually personally live by. It is these values which will determine your sense of right and wrong and will require you to be conscious of who you are as an individual and the effect you will have on the people around you. However, being conscious of yourself also means being aware of the ego that exists within your personality. The ego is something that determines your self esteem and it often represents a false persona, a distorted illusion of a self created image.
You see, your ego can often show itself through a blaze of emotional turmoil. Your ego is present when you notice your behavior becomes righteous and conceited because like a protective cloak, it provides you with a false sense of security that can make you feel an unworthy superiority towards others. Therefore, please remember that your ego is not a true version of you and you have a choice regarding whether or not to allow it to take control of you.
So when you do suspect that your ego is showing its ugly face, find stillness among the chaos and become consciously mindful of the person you believe you truly are. Question if you are living within your highest values or if your ego has taken over your true identity. For it is only when you do this with pureness of heart and integrity that you will learn to take whole responsibility for your own actions and your own words.
This can be a very confronting and deeply penetrating exercise but it will truly be worth it because it will help you understand if the relationship is worthy of true change or you will discover that something in you needs to change . You see, ego makes you avoid the absolute truth. If you do something wrong or say something unkind, then own it. Do not at any time allow your ego to project blame on someone else but rather be totally accountable for who you are and what you do.
In saying that, I must tell you that someone once told me that saying sorry was not enough. As your mother, I tell you that I do not believe this to be true. In fact, saying you are sorry can be a very powerful tool in your personal development because you must firstly recognize the presence of your ego and only then can you truly feel remorseful to whole heartedly be repentant. When this happens your spirit will be free to move forward as you recognize your accountability in the space you dwell.
As I contemplate the deep suffering of ego, I am led to consider the weight individuals carry when they place expectations on others within their relationships. I can’t help but wonder if people subject such unrealistic and unfair desires on those around them because they feel insecure and need to control their environment or whether they are threatened because others do things differently than they do. Either way, I assure you my beautiful children, that if you do inflict your expectations on others the result for you will always be the same. You will feel utter disappointment, frustration and unhappiness because people will always fall short of your false reality. How can anyone possibly meet your idealistic view of who they should be or how you believe things should be? Instead it is you who should look at yourself and determine whether your own imposing expectations are unreasonable and therefore require the change.
It is like expecting children to behave in a quiet and respectful manner at all times rather than accepting that they are just children, learning and discovering their world that requires noise and tantrums and fights because it is all just part of growing up. Therefore, don’t ever expect more from anyone else than you expect from yourself.
Instead, try to be empathetic and compassionate of those around you by placing yourself in their shoes. If you don’t, you will find others will become resentful of you for having an opinion of them that is based on your beliefs alone.
So my darlings, my final message is this: if you find yourself in a position where you are upset with someone or your emotions are playing havoc on your conscience, ask yourself, “Am I upset because of my ego or Am I upset because I had expectations?”. Asking this of yourself is the only sincere way of finding out your truth and it requires you to fearlessly search within and be totally honest with yourself. It means detangling yourself from the person you think you are and the person you really are. And what a glorious and honorable inquisition this can be for there is nothing greater than being sincere to yourself and thus meeting the true you. So please remember, that failing to look within only results in a darker side. It creates a world where your ego desires adulation, where you begin to see yourself as a victim and where your only perceived way out is to attack those around you. This is not a way to live and it is definitely not a way to treat others that you wish to keep in your life.