Dear Matisse, Phoenix and Ignatius,
What do you do when someone negative comes into your life? How does it feel to be caught in a whirlwind of negative comments that does nothing but drain your energy and leaves you questioning everything about yourself and your world? Do you ignore what they say and move on with your life? Do you feel compassion and empathy towards them despite how much they have hurt you? Or do you take the opportunity to question what they have said against your own view of yourself?
Well let me share this personal moment with you as I capture my own transformation through such suffering. I write this to you to show you that you are in full control of your life and life offers you choices. You can choose to lead a positive and grateful existence where you are confident that you are the best of yourself or you can live in a world of misery because you allow others to frighten you into believing that you are not enough.
So here I stand before you after such a futile confrontation and share with you one of the greatest tests you will encounter in your life: Do you succumb to your hurt and sink under someone else’s hand of doom or do you accept your pain and use it as strength to swim and break through to the light?
I cried this morning. Oh how desolate I felt. Direct from my soul I shed deep tears of sorrow as I attempted to understand the lesson of my despair. I closed my eyes and tried to be mindful of my grief in my stillness. I saw an image of myself letting go, floating in an endless sea, loving the warmth of the sun on my face and finding peace in the vast mass of water surrounding me. The scene was idyllic and I was happily alone and unafraid and serene. This is who I think I am. I live in a world of beauty where I try to see the bright side of life. I live in a sphere of order and structure because I cannot function where there is chaos and I feel grounded only when things are evenly balanced just like my star sign. Nothing really fazes me, in fact I am quite open minded, not shocked by much and I feel quite relaxed about things most of the time. My friends have described me as friendly, respectful and considerate. I describe myself as sincere, humble and strong in my values.
But then without warning, I suddenly feel myself being pulled under, drowning in a heavy blanket of someone else’s negative thoughts. I cannot breathe submerged in such blackness and I feel my natural urge to break free fighting against this sinking gloom. I sense my own undertow of self doubt, the heaviness compressing against my chest, trying desperately to break my will and my self dignity. It is a fearful moment as I engage in someone else’s thoughts and believe I am the person they think me to be. They say I am good with words and my honesty is spiteful. They say I should stop living in my fantasy world but rather like they do, live in realism where the world is a bad place. They suggest that my parenting is flaccid and ought to involve fear as discipline. They place blame on my conscience and as a result I feel my heart break. The words sting and my world crumbles because I do not recognize myself, this reflection I see in their mirror.
But just before I surrender to the moment and allow my lungs to be filled with pollutant energy, I look up at the surface of the water and I see the majestic glow of the healing sun. I realize that my only way free is to try to fight my way back to a place where I can feel the soft ocean spray across my face. But I am so very tired of being caught in this same current over and over again where I feel broken and joyless. Yet I know that the only way to get out of this rancid environment that threatens to drown me is to gently “Trust and Let Go” and like the salmon that swims upstream, face the current and reemerge in my world of sunlight. I trust in myself and I know that I am not as someone else sees me. I am what I know myself to be and I know me because I am not afraid to see me and face me and change me if need be. So I swim joyfully upward back to where I belong, where my voice can be heard and my presence felt. But I am also altered in someway because inside my heart I feel the sadness of those that wish to stay at the bottom of their ocean.
So you see my Angels, there will be many times within your life that you will need to ask yourself the very important question of “Sink or Swim”. The choice will be relevant in your journey and you alone can make the decision of how you want to live your life. Do you succumb to the weight of other people’s cynical thoughts and drown in their glumness or do you trust in yourself and find your strength and courage in who you know yourself to be and then swim to the surface where you will find your own pool of water in which to float?
But do not be fooled. The decision to sink or swim is not an easy one. It requires a very personal and soulful search to really understand who you are so that you have something to measure yourself by. You will need to learn so openly about yourself that you can not be swayed away from your personal truth. And that my lovelies is not always an easy task. Some people just want to avoid pain but the only way to grow is to look within which means feeling the pain, embracing the discomfort and learning through it.
So now I have stopped crying and feel less broken. I have taken deep breaths and know that the only way to learn is to humbly consider my moment. I have had to look at myself honestly and I have found that I am not always free of my own darkness. I sometimes get captured in a pessimistic tornado where I am judgmental and critical. I can be unkind and stubborn and selfish. None of us are perfect but to recognize your imperfections is the key to growing into a greater person. I feel no shame in sharing my journey with you today nor am I fearful of allowing my tears to fall so freely. Do not be afraid to shed your own tears because we are all delicate at times and this is a means to heal. We all have a heart that is capable of being pierced. This is what it is like to be human, knowing that you are not more or less sensitive than another. You are just different and so truly worthy.
Therefore my advice my little darlings is to Swim. Do not allow sinking to be an option. Just like your challenging swimming lessons I drag you to each week, you have to muster all the courage and faith you have in yourself and fight your way back to where the sunlight shimmers because it will make you a stronger swimmer. Life is like an ocean and like your life journey, the caressing swell of the waves will take you on your own ride in an endless rhythm. Sometimes you will slide gently onto the shore and other times you will crash against the rocks. But in the end you will always be gently pushed back into a wide ocean and become whole again with who you truly are.
To me, you are the ocean where sunlight dances on the water and makes you gleam in silver so trust in yourselves and let go because you will always find your way back.